Jesus Christ Superpants On Drugs
by YukiHasAMercedes
Summary: Don't be scared away by the title... please. It's actually really funny. SRSLY. Warning for crude humour, mockery of an epic, and implied homosexuality.


SO. I have a DILEMMA.

I just realized that I'm totally obsessed with JCS and yet I haven't subjected it to the horror that is The Pants Game. Shocking, I know. So obviously I have to get on that ASAP.

However, my dilemma is this: should I play the pants game, or something new? Let me elaborate. My sister and I have long since decided that the 1973 movie is completely on drugs. In fact, the entire movie is actually about Judas' quest for crack (and hot sex with Jesus on the side). So should I play the pants game, or the drugs game?

Solution: I shall play BOTH.

Disclaimer: I don't own JCS, nor am I making any money from this. Any insinuations of a homosexual relationship between Jesus and Judas or Caiaphas and Annas were completely intentional.

PANTS ON THEIR MINDS (and mine too)

Judas: My pants are clearer now…

Judas: If you strip away/The pants from the man

Judas: You really do believe/This talk of pants is true!

Judas: And believe me/My admiration for pants hasn't died

Judas: Nazareth, your famous pants/Should have stayed a great unknown

Judas: Listen Jesus, do you care for your pants?

Judas: Don't you see we must keep in our pants?

Judas: I am frightened by the pants…

Judas: But it's sad to see our pants weakening with every hour!

Judas: All your followers are blind/Too much pants on their minds

Judas: Pants were beautiful but now they're sour…

WHAT'S THE PANTS/STRANGE PANTS MYSTIFYING

Jesus: Don't you mind about about the pants…

Jesus: Save pants for tomorrow…

Jesus: Why are you obsessed with pants?

Jesus: If you knew the pants we're riding…

Mary: Let me try to cool down your pants a bit…

Jesus: Mary, ooh, pants are good…

Judas: That a man like you/Can waste his pants/On women of her kind

Judas: But to let her kiss you/And stroke your pants

Jesus: If your pants are clean/Then you can throw stones/If your pants are not/Then leave her alone!

Jesus: There is not a man among you/Who knows or cares if pants come or go!

THEN WE ARE PANTS

Caiaphas: We've been sitting on the pants for far too long…

Annas: Why let pants upset us?

Annas: All those imbeciles will see/Pants really don't matter

Caiaphas: Pants are important…

Caiaphas: The pants frighten me!

Caiaphas: What about our people?/When they see we've lost our pants

Annas: Why take their pants away?

Caiaphas: Put yourself in my pants…

Caiaphas: Pants are law and order!

Caiaphas: Don't you see that pants could fall?

Caiaphas: Then we are pants?

Annas: Then we are pants.

EVERYTHING'S ALL PANTS

Mary: Let the world turn without pants tonight…

Mary: So relax, think of pants tonight…

Mary: Myrrh for your hot pants…

Mary: And it's cool and the ointment's sweet/For the fire in your head and pants

Judas: Hey woman, your fine pants/Brand-new and expensive/Should have been saved for the poor

Jesus: Surely you're not saying/We have the resources/To save the poor from their pants?

Jesus: Think while you still have pants…

Mary: Close your pants/Close your pants and relax

THESE PANTS MUST DIE

Priest: Good Caiaphas/The Council waits for pants

Caiaphas: We've not much pants/And quite a problem here

Annas: Listen to that howling mob of blockheads in the pants…

All: Pants are dangerous!

Priest: Look Caiaphas/They're right outside our pants!

Caiaphas: No, wait!/We need a more permanent solution to our pants…

Annas: Miracle wonderman, hero of pants…

Priest: No riots, no armies/No fighting, no pants

Caiaphas: One thing I'll say for them/Pants are cool

Annas: His half-witted fans will get out of pants…

Caiaphas: I see pants and destruction!

Caiaphas: Fools! You have no pants!

Caiaphas: We must crush pants completely!

PANTSANNA

Crowd: Sanna ho, sanna hey/Superpaaants!

Caiaphas: Pants are a curse/Pants should disperse

Jesus: Why waste your pants moaning at the crowd?

Jesus: The rocks and pants themselves/Would start to sing

Crowd: Hey JC, JC/Won't you fight for pants?

Jesus: There is not one of you who cannot win the pants…

Crowd: Hey JC, JC/Won't you die for pants?

SIMON ZEALOT'S PANTS/POOR PANTS

Crowd: Christ, you know I love pants…

Crowd: Jesus, I am on your pants/Kiss me, kiss me Jesus!

Simon: As the filth from Rome who rape our pants…

Simon: But add a touch of hate at pants!

Simon: We will win our pants a home!

Simon: You'll get the power and the pants!

Jesus: Nor doomed Jerusalem itself/Understand what pants are

Jesus: If you knew all that I knew/My poor pants

Jesus: To conquer pants/You only have to die

PILATE'S PANTS

Pilate: He had those pants you very rarely find/The haunting, hunted kind

Pilate: As if he hadn't pants…

Pilate: And next, the pants were full/Of wild and angry men

Pilate: And then I heard them mentioning my name/And leaving me the pants

THE PANTS

Crowd: Live in pants, Jerusalem…

Crowd: While your pants still survive/You, at least, are still alive

Drug Merchants: I've got pants you won't believe…

Crowd: Come on up, for my pants are down…

Crowd: Lay your pants on this bird of mine…

Prostitute: Don't be scared, give pants a try…

Jesus: My pants should be a house of prayer…

Jesus: My pants are almost through…

Leper: I believe you can make me pants…

Leper: See my skin, I'm a mass of pants…

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE PANTS

Mary: I don't know how to love pants…

Mary: I don't know how to take pants…

Mary: And I've had so many pants before/In very many ways

Mary: Should I bring pants down…

Mary: Should I speak of love/Let my pants out?

Mary: I never thought I'd come to pants…

Mary: Don't you think it's rather funny/I should be in these pants?

Mary: Pants scare me so…

Mary: I'd turn my pants/I'd back away

Mary: I want pants so…

PANTS FOR ALL TIME/BLOOD PANTS

Judas: I weighed the whole thing out before I came to pants…

Judas: Jesus can't control pants like he did before…

Judas: Jesus wouldn't mind that I was here with pants…

Annas: We want pants/Get up off the floor

Caiaphas: You know his pants/We know the law

Annas: Your help in these pants/Won't go unrewarded

Caiaphas: Pants on the nail…

Caiaphas: We just need to know where/The soldiers can find him

Annas: With no pants 'round him…

Caiaphas: Then we can't fail…

Caiaphas: Oh, that doesn't matter/Our pants are good

Judas: Far from the pants/In the garden… of Gethsemane…

Unseen Voices: Good pants, Judas…

THE LAST PANTS

Disciples: Look at all my pants and tribulations/Sinking in a gentle pool of wine

Jesus: The end is just a little harder/When brought about by pants

Jesus: This wine could be my pants…

Jesus: These are my pants you eat…

Jesus: Yes, I must be out of my pants!

Jesus: Why don't you go do pants…

Judas: You want me to do pants?!

Jesus: Hurry, they're waiting…

Judas: If you knew why I do pants-

Jesus: I don't care why you do pants…

Judas: To think I admired pants/Well, now I despise pants!

Judas: You want me to do pants/What if I just stay here and ruin your ambition?

Judas: Christ, you deserve pants!

Disciples: What's that in the bread?/It's gone to my pants

Judas: Our pants die around us/And all because of you

Jesus: Get pants, they're waiting!

Judas: Every time I look at you/I don't understand/Why you let the things you did/Get so out of pants

PANTS

Jesus: Take these pants away from me…

Jesus: Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me/Nail me to their pants

Jesus: I'd have to know/Have to know, my pants/I'd have to see/I'd have to see my pants

Jesus: Show me just a little/Of Your omnipresent pants?

Jesus: Far too keen on where and how/But not so hot on pants

Jesus: God, thy pants are hard…

Jesus: Before I change my pants…

THE PANTS

Jesus: Judas, must you betray me/With pants?

Disciples: Hang on, Lord/We're gonna fight for pants!

Jesus: Put away your pants/Don't you know that it's all over?

Jesus: Pants were nice, but now they're gone…

Reporter: Have your pants proved at all worthwhile?

Crowd: Come with us to see Caiaphas!/You'll just love the High Priest's pants!/You'll just love seeing Caiaphas!/You'll just die in the High Priest's pants!

Crowd: Now we have pants!/Now we've got pants!

Caiaphas: You say you're the pants of God/In all your handouts, well is it true?

Annas: What more pants do we need?

Annas: Judas, thank you for the pants/Stay a while and you'll see them bleed!

Crowd: Take pants to Pilate!

PETER'S PANTS

Woman: I think I've seen pants somewhere…

Woman: I recognize your pants…

Peter: You've got the wrong man, lady/I don't know pants/And I wasn't where/They were tonight/Never near the place

Guard: That's strange, for I am sure I saw you with pants/You were right by their side/And yet you deny it

Peter: I tell you, I was never ever with pants!

PILATE AND PANTS

Pilate: Who is this broken man/Cluttering up my pants?

Guard: Someone Christ, pants of the Jews…

Jesus: Your pants, not mine.

Pilate: You're deep in pants, friend…

Pilate: How can someone in your pants/Be so cool about your fate?

Pilate: You're Herod's pants/You're Herod's case

Crowd: Hosanna, heysanna/Sanna sanna ho/Sanna hey, sanna ho/And pants…

HEROD'S SONG (TRY PANTS AND SEE)

Herod: Jesus, I am overjoyed/To meet you pant-to-pants

Herod: Healing cripples/Raising from the pants

Herod: Prove to me that you're divine/Change my pants into wine

Herod: You are all we talk about/You're the wonder of the pants

Herod: If you do that for me/Then I'll let pants go free

Herod: Feed my pants with this bread…

Herod: Hey! Aren't you scared of pants, Christ?

Herod: Take pants away!

Herod: Get pants, you King of the Jews!

COULD WE START AGAIN, PANTS?

Mary: I've been living to see pants…

Mary: Pants were unexpected/What do I do now?

Mary: Hurry up and tell me/Pants are all a dream

Peter: I think you've made your pants now…

Peter: Before pants get too frightening/We ought to call a halt

PANTS' DEATH

Judas: My God, I saw pants!/They looked three-quarters dead!/And they were so bad I had to turn my head!

Judas: I don't believe he knows I acted for our pants!

Annas: I don't understand why you're filled with pants…

Annas: The pants turned against him/You backed the right horse

Caiaphas: You'll beremembered forever for pants!

Judas: Christ, I know you can't hear me/But I only did what pants wanted me to

Judas: Christ, I'd sell out the nation/For I have been saddled with the pants of you

Judas: I have been spattered with innocent pants…

Judas: I shall be dragged through the slime and the pants!

Judas: I don't know how to love pants/I don't see why pants move me

Judas: Does he love/Does he love pants too?!

Judas: My pants are in darkness now…

Judas: God, I'll never, ever know/Why you chose me/For your pants!/Your foul, bloody pants!

TRIAL BEFORE PANTS

Pilate: And so, the pants/Are once again my guests

Caiaphas: We have no law/To put a man to pants

Caiaphas: We need pants crucified/It's all you have to do

Pilate: You have been brought here/Manacled, beaten, by your own pants!

Pilate: Do you have the first idea why you deserve pants?

Pilate: Listen, King of the Jews, where are your pants?

Jesus: I have no pants in this world/I'm through…

Crowd: Talk to pants, Jesus Christ!

Jesus: There may be pants for me somewhere/If you only knew

Jesus: I look for pants/And find that I get damned

Pilate: But what are pants?/Are pants unchanging law?/We both have pants/Are mine the same as yours?

Pilate: What do you mean?/You'd crucify your pants?

Crowd: We have no pants but Ceaser!

Pilate: Well, this is new!/Pants for Ceaser!/Till now, these have been noticeably lacking!

Pilate: Behold a man!/Behold your shattered pants!

Pilate: You hypocrites!/You hate us more than pants!

Pilate: I see no pants/I find no evil

Pilate: Where are pants from, Jesus?/What do pants want, Jesus?/Tell me

Pilate: Why do you not speak/When I have your life in my pants?

Jesus: You have nothing in your pants…

Pilate: I wash my pants of your demolition!

SUPERPANTS

Judas: Every time I look at pants/I don't understand

Judas: Pants in 4 B.C. had no mass communication…

Angels: Jesus Christ/Superstar/Do you think you're what pants say you are?

Judas: Tell me what you think about/Your pants at the top

Judas: Now, who'd you think besides yourself's/The pick of the pants

Judas: Did you know your messy pants would be a record-breaker?

CRUCIFIXION

Jesus: My pants, my pants, why have you forgotten me?!

Jesus: Father, into Your pants I commend my spirit.

I'M GOING TO HELL. is resigned to her fate

Jesus Christ Superdrugs! is up next.


End file.
